“The Name of the Doctor” Plot Predictions.

The Doctor is surprised to learn that the Meddling Monk has gone back and changed his name to Duane Dibley.
The Doctor is surprised to learn that the Meddling Monk has gone back and changed his name to Duane Dibley.

As suspense for Doctor Who Season Seven’s big finale builds, I thought I’d share a few of my hot plot predictions for Saturday’s episode.

Lots of people will talk about how great The Doctor is.

Seriously now, we all love the Doctor, but how will we know how much we love him if the script doesn’t tell us every five minutes?

All that praise would get annoying, so before he saves the day, the Doctor will bollocks everything up a bit. 

Nobody wants the Doctor to be too perfect. It would be hilarious if he made lots of rudimentary mistakes just to keep us on our toes. Hey, it worked in Curse of the Black Spot. 

River Song will show up, flirt and totally kill something. 

Because we all know that the two things the Doctor loves are one-dimensional flirt boxes and murderers.

We will find out the Doctor’s name. 

Not THE Doctor’s name, of course, but the name of another famous TV doctor. Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman.

There will be lots of nostalgic references to the past.

Hey, it’s the fiftieth anniversary soon. Who needs a plot that stands on its own when you have all that history to draw from?

The big mystery surrounding Clara will be something that is either instigated by the Doctor, or the result of her being slightly less than human. 

Because girls are dumb and smelly and we should leave the decisions and important stuff to the boys.

The Plot will make no sense if you haven’t been watching the last three years of Doctor Who, and might not see the Fiftieth Anniversary Special. 

Because hey, like Moffat says, this isn’t a show you can watch while you’re doing the ironing. The more plot threads dangling, the more plot there must be, right? Who cares if there’s no longer any time for quiet character moments of pacing, people watch Doctor Who for SURPRISE!

The Doctor will either cry or get very angry for the billionth time in the last eight years, and then tell us unusual that is.

Sure, we see it all the time, but it could be centuries between Doctor outbursts. How will we know just how angry the Doctor is if he doesn’t give a wink to the audience to tell us how rare it is?

If anything significant occurs, by the end of the episode all the characters will have forgotten it.

Because nothing tops off a season of post-Russel T. Davies Who like a big dollop of narrative cowardice.