Next Doctor Predictions: What can we expect from Moff if Capaldi says no.

MattSmithRegenIt’s that time again! Iron out your TARDIS-blue Party Horns and throw away your bow-ties, it’s New Doctor Announcement Day!

As we close on the final hour, Bookies’ favourite is Thick of It foul mouth, Peter Capaldi. Seems like an odd choice to me since Cap’ has appeared prominently in both Series 4 of Doctor Who and the best five hours of TV Drama ever made. Capaldi’s such a pro that he’d do a great job anyway, but it would be an odd bit of continuity dissonance. (Didn’t stop Colin Baker though.)

So, if Capaldi says no, here are my special Moffat-Who predictions for The Twelfth Doctor.

1) A woman, any woman.

The demand for a female doctor is louder than ever, and if there’s one thing Moffat likes, it’s fan service. We can’t just have any woman though. This is Moffat-Who we’re talking about. Don’t count on anyone short and dumpy, acting skills de damned. No doubt Moff will aid the acceptance of our new female Doctor by casting a gal who can easily be reduced to a body part related nickname. He’s probably already got 12’s big final written, in which The Doctor finally retires to be a stay at home Mum. Look forward to “Doctor Boobs” in 2014.

Casting Predictions: Marilyn Monroe, weaved seamlessly in the footage with a little CGI Cinema-Magic. (EDIT: Or, since this is Moffat, Gina Bellman. Playing it exactly like Jane from Coupling.)

2) A Teenager

The Doctor has been getting younger and younger lately, and what’s life in the TARDIS without sexual innuendo and raging hormones. A Doctor with the body of a teenager is the ideal choice. He should also have lots of pop-culture catchphrases and talk about that time he got off with the Rani behind the bike sheds. The TARDIS takes on more of a motherly role in this series, enforcing a curfew on the young Doctor at all times. The series arc involves The Doctor trying to score weed from a duplicitous Sontaran.

Casting Predictions: Anyone from The Inbetweeners, or for a low budget option, Moffat just wanders the house filming his own kids when they aren’t looking.

3) A New Doctor Every Week

Doctor Who is all about surprises, you can’t just watch it while you do the ironing. Changing the Doctor every couple of years gives you too long to get to grips with the situation. In future Moff-Who, the Doctor will change with every plot twist. Each new incarnation of the Doctor will also have a new catchphrase, costume and sonic screwdriver. Though, to save money, they will just be off the shelf Black and Decker’s now.

Casting Predictions: Obviously getting a new actor every time will be prohibitively expensive, for this option all future Doctors will just be played by David Walliams and Matt Lucas. When Moff’s having an off day, they can write it too.

4) Tom Baker

God knows, the show could use someone experienced on the team.

Casting Predictions: Tom Baker, Colin Baker (I think he’d be up for it, and most people only remember “Baker” anyway.)

5) Gatiss

Because he always turns up when you least expect him.

Casting Predictions: Just Gatiss, being Gatiss.